Excerpt from "Twang" by John Schlimm
Country Music Superstar Salome Field’s Annual 4th of July Party
The low buzz of the distant party crowd was suddenly interrupted by girlish giggles as Salome neared the barn. Immediately, she knew the situation. This wasn’t the first time she had heard such giggles coming from where Derk might be.
Not missing a beat, Salome slid quietly through the opening in the front barn doors, being careful not to make a sound. She was planning a surprise attack.
She picked up an old rusty pitchfork Earl had been using that morning to clean out stalls. The giggles grew louder as Salome neared the back of the barn. They were emanating from the last stall, which wasn’t currently occupied by a horse. The other stalls all had horses in them.
The sound of Derk’s low voice was now mixed with the giggles, but Salome couldn’t exactly make out what he was saying.
She slipped into Field Dreamer’s stall, which was right next to the last one. A peek through the boards confirmed what she already knew, but now a face was put on the situation. There Derk was butt-ass naked on top of Luella Barton, the twenty-two year old daughter of the town’s grocery store owner. Luella was also completely naked and couldn’t seem to control those damn giggles. The pair’s clothes were strewn off to the side.
“Ain’t this dangerous?” Luella asked. “What if she finds us?” Giggle, giggle.
“Honey, I told you already, Salome’s knee deep in worshippers right now,” Derk reassured the young girl in his soothing drawl. “This is the last place she’s gonna come today.”
More giggles followed as Salome now swiftly rounded the corner having armed herself.
“And you’re knee deep in shit, honey!” Salome exclaimed, tossing a well-heaped pitchfork full of hay and manure (compliments of Field Dreamer) on the two surprised lovers. She then swiftly gave Derk a quick sharp poke in the ass with the pointed edges.
Derk immediately scrambled out and off of Luella.
“Uh, uh, Salome, honey…” Derk spattered out, almost choking now on his Southern drawl and the stench covering him.
“Oh my God, this stinks. I think I’m gonna puke!” Luella gagged at the horseshit splattered on her face as she searched for her sundress.
“What part of ‘If you ever do this again I’ll shoot off your dick and feed it to the chickens’ didn’t you understand the first time?” Salome blared, the pitchfork aimed in the pair’s direction.
“I, I didn’t think you’d come in here and…” Derk wasn’t very good at explanations or excuses.
“Miss Field, I’m sorry, I…” Luella tried to apologize her way out of the situation.
“Oh, shut up and get dressed and get yourself back up to my party,” Salome barked. How could she hold this stupid girl responsible? She knew how persuasive Derk could be.
“And you,” Salome said, turning her pitchfork directly towards Derk’s shriveling family jewels. “You get your sorry ass down to the house, and take a shower.”
Salome could tell by the fear in Derk’s eyes that he could imagine her parading around the party with his manhood on the tip of her pitchfork.
“Did you hear me?” Salome snapped.
“Yes,” he choked out.
“I expect you up at my party in ten minutes for my speech.” Salome always gave her speech right before the fireworks.
And this year it was going to be the most special speech and display ever. Rather than a full-length program of fireworks, Salome had sunk all her money into one, intricately designed firework no one was ever likely to forget. She was especially anxious to impress Hope, Thad, Sapphire, and Billie with it.
“Yes, ma’am,” Derk muttered, accidentally forcing his pants on backwards and gathering up his other clothes, which were now a big blob of cloth, hay, and manure.
Country Music Superstar Salome Field’s Annual 4th of July Party
The low buzz of the distant party crowd was suddenly interrupted by girlish giggles as Salome neared the barn. Immediately, she knew the situation. This wasn’t the first time she had heard such giggles coming from where Derk might be.
Not missing a beat, Salome slid quietly through the opening in the front barn doors, being careful not to make a sound. She was planning a surprise attack.
She picked up an old rusty pitchfork Earl had been using that morning to clean out stalls. The giggles grew louder as Salome neared the back of the barn. They were emanating from the last stall, which wasn’t currently occupied by a horse. The other stalls all had horses in them.
The sound of Derk’s low voice was now mixed with the giggles, but Salome couldn’t exactly make out what he was saying.
She slipped into Field Dreamer’s stall, which was right next to the last one. A peek through the boards confirmed what she already knew, but now a face was put on the situation. There Derk was butt-ass naked on top of Luella Barton, the twenty-two year old daughter of the town’s grocery store owner. Luella was also completely naked and couldn’t seem to control those damn giggles. The pair’s clothes were strewn off to the side.
“Ain’t this dangerous?” Luella asked. “What if she finds us?” Giggle, giggle.
“Honey, I told you already, Salome’s knee deep in worshippers right now,” Derk reassured the young girl in his soothing drawl. “This is the last place she’s gonna come today.”
More giggles followed as Salome now swiftly rounded the corner having armed herself.
“And you’re knee deep in shit, honey!” Salome exclaimed, tossing a well-heaped pitchfork full of hay and manure (compliments of Field Dreamer) on the two surprised lovers. She then swiftly gave Derk a quick sharp poke in the ass with the pointed edges.
Derk immediately scrambled out and off of Luella.
“Uh, uh, Salome, honey…” Derk spattered out, almost choking now on his Southern drawl and the stench covering him.
“Oh my God, this stinks. I think I’m gonna puke!” Luella gagged at the horseshit splattered on her face as she searched for her sundress.
“What part of ‘If you ever do this again I’ll shoot off your dick and feed it to the chickens’ didn’t you understand the first time?” Salome blared, the pitchfork aimed in the pair’s direction.
“I, I didn’t think you’d come in here and…” Derk wasn’t very good at explanations or excuses.
“Miss Field, I’m sorry, I…” Luella tried to apologize her way out of the situation.
“Oh, shut up and get dressed and get yourself back up to my party,” Salome barked. How could she hold this stupid girl responsible? She knew how persuasive Derk could be.
“And you,” Salome said, turning her pitchfork directly towards Derk’s shriveling family jewels. “You get your sorry ass down to the house, and take a shower.”
Salome could tell by the fear in Derk’s eyes that he could imagine her parading around the party with his manhood on the tip of her pitchfork.
“Did you hear me?” Salome snapped.
“Yes,” he choked out.
“I expect you up at my party in ten minutes for my speech.” Salome always gave her speech right before the fireworks.
And this year it was going to be the most special speech and display ever. Rather than a full-length program of fireworks, Salome had sunk all her money into one, intricately designed firework no one was ever likely to forget. She was especially anxious to impress Hope, Thad, Sapphire, and Billie with it.
“Yes, ma’am,” Derk muttered, accidentally forcing his pants on backwards and gathering up his other clothes, which were now a big blob of cloth, hay, and manure.
